History Rocks TV Show

There was this TV show on for a little while called History Rocks. It was on the History Channel but was likely canceled because it's such a dumb-sounding show. Basically, they would play pop hits from the 80s and 90s while showing montages of historical footage. Captions on the bottom of the screen would explain what was going on in each image or video clip. It sounds stupid, but I'm pretty sure that I learned more in 15 minutes of History Rocks than I did my entire freshman year of high school.

International Waters

Getting into a car that you're taking on a test drive is like boarding a boat headed for international waters. You sit shotgun while the salesman takes it out of the lot and discusses some of the car's features, and then the moment you get behind the steering wheel all laws disappear. You drive that thing like you're trying to get the wheels to fly off--just to see how it will handle if you buy it. For me it's a little odd since the cars I take for test drives are typically 12-year-old Buicks or Chevy Cavaliers with huge dents. Still, I think that if a cop pulled me over for putting a rusted-out Buick up on two wheels, he would probably let me go if I told him it was a test drive.

Gypsy Swindling

A gypsy yelled at me from her garden-level palm-reading storefront yesterday saying that she would give me a free reading. It made me think, "Why me?" It's obvious that she was looking to swindle me, but what about the way I looked made her think I would be a good target for her resources? It really has me thinking. Maybe I should just go see her.

Coffee Flavors

There's something fundamentally wrong with those coffee creamers you get at the gas station that are flavored like Kahlua or Baileys Irish Cream. I know there's no liquor in them, but it's just odd to have a liquor-flavored drink early in the morning or while you're driving late at night. It would be like drinking O'Douls Amber while driving around, which I've never seen anyone do but I guess would be pretty funny.

Doctor TV Shows

I like the TV show MASH, but I'm not sure why. Of all the shows about doctors, it's the only one I can watch. I never liked ER. The first couple episodes of Scrubs I saw were funny, but it's been downhill since. Grey's Anatomy is worst offender. All the stupid nicknames they give the doctors and the way so many women I know talk about the TV doctors with ridiculous names as though they're real people. I can't even watch the commercials for House MD. I guess I used to watch Doogie Howser, and if anyone decided to syndicate it I might watch a few episodes. My liking of MASH is limited to the early years of the show, before they replaced the first commanding officer who wore the fishing hat with Colonel Potter. They just got too serious after they made the change.

80's American Martial Arts Movies

Looking back, it's obvious to me now that Steven Segal and Jean Claude VanDamm took themselves way too seriously. I watched all their movies when I was in elementary and middle school, and I couldn't believe how cool their brand of white guy martial arts was. Of course, it turned out not to have quite the staying power I expected.

I hadn't thought about those movies in several years, but yesterday I heard someone make a casual "Jean Claude" reference when talking about a daring stunt she'd performed. I hope this marks the beginning of a return of VanDamm and Segal in pop culture references. I know I'm going to do all I can to help.

Busboy in a Sorority House

Working as a busboy in a sorority house isn't as cool as it sounds. All the sororities at my university had designations: one for brainy girls, another for rich girls, one girls with lisps, and another one for the girls who didn't suffer from crippling eating disorders. The latter was where my friend worked, serving food on dress-up night and clearing dishes every other night. From what my friend said, the best night was when he served the women their special Kappa dessert. He would bring a tray loaded with cake to a table, show the ladies the biggest dessert, and then let them fight over it. Well, that part probably is as cool as it sounds.