Turning Chiropractor

Carl at a local Schwinn shop used to repair my bike for me. I was pretty young and hadn't yet figured out how to adjust derailleurs and true wheels. I remember Carl for two reasons: he took ages to repair a bike, and every day he wore those polyester shorts with double buttons and the word 'bike' printed across the leg. You know the kind, just think back to your football coaches or male gym teachers. I was just a kid, and even I knew how ridiculous people looked in those shorts. I still can't figure out how people can wear them around, unless it's like a mustache worn for ironic reasons. I heard that Carl left the bike shop to become a chiropractor, but it's impossible for me to imagine him having any success in the chiropractic field unless he started trying some new short styles when he left he bike shop.

True Characters

Some people say that golf brings out a person's real character, meaning that the way that someone behaves when they're on the golf course offers insight into that person's basic decency. Guys who toss clubs in fake ponds and yell at strangers playing in front of them score poorly in the soul department if this is your barometer of choice. I don't play golf, but I do occasionally play board games. Unless you're playing for money, I'd put golf and board games at the same level of importance. In both cases you're playing to relax and spend some time with friends whether it's Taboo or Bethpage Black, so if you go on a maniacal screaming rampage, well, then you have some issues my friend.

Construction Zones

It bothers me that the speed limit is lower in construction zones when workers aren't present. I understand that we need to give highway workers their space, but I don't think the speed limit should go down after they're off work. If you can't keep your car in one lane going the speed limit, then you shouldn't be driving a car. Furthermore, if people are bad enough drivers that they lose control of their car and crash while going the speed limit, then maybe it was meant to be. We're diluting the gene pool by creating laws that allow people who can't keep a car in one lane to reproduce; it's just like child-safe windows.

Tooth Pulling Action

I never did well with waiting for a tooth to fall out when I was a little kid. The suspense was a killer. Instead of waiting, I took action. Once the tooth was properly loose, I'd yank it out. The best method that I found was to tie a long piece of dental floss around my loose tooth and then tie the other end to the handle of a heavy door. All that's left is to slam the door shut to rip your tooth out. It's a hell of a thing, tearing out a tooth with a door. Standing there holding the door handle is kind of like standing on a dock mentally preparing to jump in a freezing cold lake. There's that split second after you jump but before you hit the water where you think, "I hope this isn't how I find out I have a heart condition." Waiting for the door to slam is about 10 times worse, and all you can hope is that the tooth comes out in one try.

Diamonds in the Rough

I have no respect for guys who karaoke Neil Diamond songs. Sure, I like a little "Sweet Caroline" as much as the bearded guy standing next to me at the bar, I just think it's too easy. It's like throwing a bag of bread crumbs onto someone scared of pigeons or tripping a baby goat that's running past you. Neil Diamond songs demand that every idiot in the bar belt out lyrics at the top of their lungs. I've done a few times myself, but now I just yell things like, "Yeah, Neil Diamond. No one saw that coming!" while everyone else sings. No one really notices, but it makes me feel better.

Leaves of Three

I have no idea what poison ivy, stinging nettle, and poison oak look like, so whenever I walk through the woods I operate on the assumption that every ankle-height plant is poisonous. It hasn't really been much of a problem so far, in fact it might be a good thing. It's kept me on the trail instead of trampling wildflowers and eroding hillsides. Someone told me a rhyme a long time ago that hasn't helped much, but I'll pass it along anyhow: "Leaves of three, say no-way; leaves of four, eat some more."

Secret Neighborhood

There's a neighborhood tucked away in a corner of Salt Lake City that I found by chance one afternoon while biking around. I'm not going to say I discovered it since all the businesses were in the phone book, and it's not like I planted a flag and claimed it for a king. It was a nice little strip of a few small restaurants and a couple bookshops. I asked a friend who lived in that neighborhood about the restaurants the next day at work, and he raved about them. Salt Lake's not a very big town, so I told him I was surprised I'd missed out on that bookshop until now. That's when he told me that the people who lived in that neighborhood had created some kind of zoning coalition that prevented those restaurants and stores from advertising. They wanted to keep the riffraff out and keep their little places to themselves. If I was a business owner on that block, I would have torched my shop and moved out of town with the insurance check. Those people moved to that corner of town partly for the neighborhood shops, and now they're preventing those people from running their businesses? Thank god I didn't work in one of those places, because I would have been frigid to every person who walked through the door. There would have been "locals-only" tax that all my neighbors would have to pay, and I would have started a guerilla marketing campaign to try to get a week-long carnival hosted on our block.

Teen Wolf's Mom

The fate of Teen Wolf's mom is never made clear in Teen Wolf or Teen Wolf, Too. She's obviously not around, but determining what actually happened would require careful study of the 1980s Fox and Bateman films, and those movies just aren't on TV quite enough for a study of such scope. It's too bad. I mean, I understand that Michael J. Fox realized it had been a mistake to do Teen Wolf after the success of Back to the Future. I'm just saying it was a shame that they made the exact same movie in the sequel. They had the opportunity to address all of the questions Teen Wolf left unanswered when they made Too, but all they did was replace basketball with boxing and Michael J Fox with Jason Bateman. I was thinking that Michael J Fox's dad killed the mom. Matricide. How's that for a sequel to Teen Wolf? Much grittier, darker.

The Double Blind Whiskey Experiment

During college one of my friends went home over the holidays and his dad setup a bourbon tasting experiment. They were both fond of the W.L. Weller Bourbon and decided that they would test it against two other brands of whiskey. To ensure that they were impartial, his dad set it up as a double blind experiment where neither of them knew when they were drinking Jim and Coke, Jack and Coke, or Weller and Coke. They both choose Weller as their favorite, but I still think about that experiment from time to time. The thing I keep coming back to is that I cannot for the life of me figure out one person can setup a whiskey tasting experiment where they don't know which brand is in which glass, but in the end you can open up some sealed envelopes that reveals everything. It's baffling.

Racing with the 15-Year-Old

My friend Will was in a club that would race old cars on an oval a couple hours before race night began at some small town track. To get into the club you needed to buy the same Buick as everyone else and pay $50. The racers had to add harnesses to replace their seatbelt and wear motorcycle helmets, too. When Will went out of town for a week and had to miss a race, he let his 15-year-old nephew drive his racecar in his place. I'm not sure what the rules in the club were regarding subs, but I do know that you can't get a drivers license until you're 16 years old. The kid put two people into the wall and was all over the track, but Will said that he still finished midway through the pack. He also said that since the kid was wearing his helmet and jumpsuit, no one knew that a 15-year-old had driven for him. This was good since it helped Will evade the law, but it also meant that everyone he raced against thought he drove like a 15-year-old kid who puts two cars into the wall at a race that's supposed to be for old people. That makes it hard to find a sympathetic ear among your racer friends to listen to your problems with John Law.

Facebooking Etiquette

I joined a Facebook group for people in my high school's graduating class. There were supposed to be about 500 of us graduating, but I think only something like 380 actually made it. Apparently walking with the class wasn't a prerequisite to join the group because I have no idea who any of these people are. I've stopped accepting their requests to be my friends. At first I let them all join my little friend group even though I had no idea who they were. It seemed like the right thing to do since denying someone friendship on Facebook is about the laziest way you could ever snub someone--even someone you're pretty sure you've never met. But now I'm not accepting these people I don't know anymore. They clog my Newsfeed with pictures of their wedding rings, babies, and news of becoming fans of "The X-Files." Their time is up.

Not Enough Sleep

Not getting enough sleep is like drinking too much without the fun part. You can't operate properly. You nod off, you can't form cogent sentences, and you're in a foul mood. Oddly, drinking too much when you haven't slept enough has the opposite effect. You're well spoken, in a much better mood, and wide awake. This is a good example of when two wrongs makes a right.

It's Weird that I'm Not in a Cover Band

I used to think cover bands were the lowest form of art. Now I consider them a reasonable substitute for bands that are too cool to play their old hits or carry on even though several of the original band members have died. It's also much cheaper to see cover bands and there are usually drink specials. The lowered drink prices are crucial since it's important to use alcohol to aid in the suspension of reality while you watch four skinny guys in argyle sweaters belt out the Blue Album start to finish. I only like the cover bands that play songs from one band. When you get into a situation where there are seven or eight people on the stage covering 80's hits or Top 40 from the disco years, then you're just setting yourself up for disaster. It's like admitting that you haven't even been trying to listen to new music for the last 30 years.

Old Airplanes

It kind of freaks me out when I get on a plane and see ashtrays built into the armrests. I know they run those things on constant trips, and it seems like smoking hasn't been allowed on planes since that whole Alive debacle. I half expect to look out the window and see props instead of jet engines. Those ashtray armrests are a constant reminder that I'm sitting in a machine with a million moving parts that's been used about 30 years without many days off.