Misunderstandings in Cooking Class

It occurred to me that I misunderstood a tiny, inconsequential detail someone said several years ago. I was looking at a spatula today and remembered my 7th grade Home Economics teacher saying that what most people refer to as a spatula is actually a rubber scraper--spatulas are made of metal. She said that if you're in a restaurant and ask for a spatula, they'll give you the metal thing you use to flip burgers when grilling. I remember wondering at the time why someone would request a spatula while eating in a restaurant, and then today I realized that she was probably talking about working in a restaurant rather than eating in one. The light bulb finally went on. That was, what, over 15 years ago? She must be retired by now. Maybe I should try to get in touch. You know, now that I'm thinking about that class, I'm pretty sure that the guy who taught the technology side of Home Economics was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just never occurred to me.

Good Workouts

I like the exhausted feeling after a really hard workout. I don't get it so much anymore. It only seems to happen after my once monthly climbing trips when my hands are so tired that I can't open my car door when I'm trying to go home. I had it today when I was too tired to raise my arm to drink a beer after wakeboarding. It reminded me of a slightly crazy guy who used to work with my mom. He was trying to swim the English Channel and had his brother in the support boat. He told his brother, "No matter how much I tell you to let me in the boat, don't let me in. I know I can do this." Then about halfway across he said, "I know I told you not to let me in the boat no matter how much I asked, but I'm in serious trouble here. I need you to let me in the boat." His brother wouldn't let him in no matter how long he pleaded, and he ended up completing the swim. Sadly, he went a bit insane from the whole thing, and I'm not sure if he ever really recovered.

Driving Hummers

Say what you want about Hummers, I drove one a few days ago and it was fun. I think that if I had one, I would carefully line up a bunch of traffic barrels in a slalom course, and then put up a couple traffic barricades right before a gap dirt jump. Instead of weaving around the cones and barricaedes, I would just run it all over as fast as I could and then call the police from my cell phone to report that my Hummer had been stolen. Then I would take the insurance money and buy a hybrid so I could yell at people every time I saw them driving a "gas guzzler."

Halloween Costumes

I have brilliant ideas for Halloween costumes all year, but when the day gets close I never remember any of them. It's not unlike the video store phenomenon where I can list scores of old movies I want to see when I'm sitting around a coffee shop by myself, but then I can't remember a single one when I'm at the rental store. Several years ago there were a few months where I kept a list of old movies I wanted to see in my wallet. I think I stopped doing that when cell phones came out and I stopped carrying a list with everyone's phone number in my wallet. Cell phones need a "to watch" movie list feature.

Regrets of an 8-Year-Old Man

It's been nearly 20 years and I still don't regret quitting piano lessons. After two years of passionately hating that instrument, I seriously considered sticking with it just so that I wouldn't regret quitting like my mom and piano teacher said I would. So far it hasn't been that big of a deal, but maybe a few years from now I'll be really disappointed that 8-year-old me didn't stick with it.

Blood Donation Day

I didn't skip class much in high school, but blood donation day was a free pass for anyone over 18 years old. You could check in at each class and then say you were heading out to donate blood. The program's oversight was worse than AIG's. I think blood donation drives would achieve much greater success if they traded in blood for beer. They could give it a hokey name like "Pint for a Pint," and then they could pour out an equal measure of Guinness for however much blood you donated. Then on college campuses they'd just give out Bacardi 151 flasks with each donation. Blood Banks would be overflowing.

The Ethics of Mouse Hunting

A mouse trap going off is among the worst ways to wake up. One sprung at 3:30am, and I debated over whether I should try to find the Swifter to crush the little guy and put him out of his misery or just go back to sleep. After a few minutes, the mouse stopped dancing around, so I opted for the later. I wasn't sure if it had escaped or died, but I didn't want to get up and check so instead I tried to fall back asleep with the idea that a half-mangled mouse could run across my pillow at any moment. The mouse wasn't in the trap in the morning, so either a bigger mouse came and ate it or the thing got away. I was wondering last night while trying to fall back asleep if you need any kind of permit to hunt mice. Maybe they're considered outside the bounds of the DNR's jurisdiction since they come inside your house. On those same grounds, I wonder if you could shoot an Elk if it appeared in your dining room.