Golf Etiquette

I'm not much of a 'golf shirt' guy. Nor am I much for golfing. I only go about once every 5 years, and it seems it's always with the dad of the girl I'm dating. The last time I went, five years ago, the girl's dad gave me a detailed overview of where I should hit the ball when we were standing at the first tee. He let me know that the green sloped a certain way, so I wanted to hit the ball on that side since it would roll towards the hole. I was just hoping to make contact with the ball when I stepped up to it and swung the club. I thought about telling him that, but I knew he'd figure it out soon enough. I whiffed a couple times on that drive, and then on the second hole, a par 3, I chipped over the green four or five times. I finally just kicked the ball onto the green when he began clearing his throat loudly.

Questionable Food

I smelled lemon and felt spray settle on my arm while eating lunch. I peeked over my shoulder, and the proprietor of the Indian restaurant was cleaning the picture next to my head with Pledge. I could feel it on my entire forearm, so I had to assume that it had settled at least over that part of the table. I was nearly done with lunch, so the choice wasn't too hard. I skipped the rice from that part of the table and picked up a new piece of naan that would have been out of the spray radius. It was likely that some of the Pledge landed in my masala sauce, but I risked it. Pledge can't be much worse than most of the preservatives they use in food.

Chuck Eskimila Was Right

My old boss at the bike shop loved to argue, and the biggest point of contention was the stereo. I was a big Bad Religion fan, and argued that the band was good because they sang about high-minded ideas. My boss argued they were bad because all their music sounded the same. He enlisted a regular at the shop, a music professor named Chuck Eskimila with a huge curly mullet. Chuck argued that we were simply asking the wrong questions. Music isn't good or bad, it's just a matter of what you enjoy, so the entire 'is this band' good argument is moot. He was right, and not just about music. His hair was rocking. I thought it looked stupid back then, but now I realize he was the only guy with enough courage to have style.

High School Hardships

A young woman came to my friend Bill's 30th birthday party, and all of his old friends were telling her stories of their days together. This was my favorite: "Bill did really well on his SATs in high school, and his first year of college, he was across the hallway from our high school's Salutatorian. There's this legendary quote in our high school, and it's from Bill talking to our Salutatorian. 'You worked hard for four years; I worked hard for three hours. Same school.'"

Key Issues

I'm not a numbers person. So instead of using a combination lock at the gym, I use one with a small key. I worry constantly about losing the key. It wouldn't be a big deal if I lost it when I was working out, but if I accidentally locked it inside my locker when I was on my way to the shower, I'd have to walk to the desk in a towel and ask to borrow a bolt cutter. You'd think that the fear of losing my key would ensure that I'd stay sharp, but I know it won't. So see, every day before I ride my bike to work, I double check that I packed a clean shirt to change into once I arrive at work. Last week, I forgot to pack my shirt and had to bike back home for it. Twice.

Learning and Logic

It's not difficult to learn how to drive stick. Anytime I undertake learning a new skill like riding a motorcycle or learning to drive a car with a manual transmission, I reassure myself that the world is loaded with idiots who have managed to figure out how to do this simple task, so I should be able to get it down if I just apply myself for a bit. The one time that logic failed me was in learning to speak French, but it's very applicable for learning to drive stick. I only have one friend who doesn't know how to drive stick, and I'm pretty sure he gave up after killing the engine through three green lights while traffic lined up behind him on a single-lane road. His sister probably should have switched seats with him, but she was laughing too hard.

Dog Bars

I met a friend at the dog park, and then we walked uptown to a bar that allows people to bring in their dogs. Two ladies walked in, and one of them asked him to write a review for her website. She said she ran a website with reviews of dog-friendly bars and restaurants, and that all the reviews were written as if they were done by dogs. I did little to hide that I thought she was completely insane. The proprietor of the establishment came over and requested that they not write about the bar online in the interest of avoiding problems with the health board. The two girls left a few minutes later without finishing their beers, and then a minute later, we noticed my friend's sunglasses were missing. We're not sure who stole them, but I think it was the two girls. Here's way -- their idea for a website is so staggeringly stupid, that it had to be a ruse to draw his attention while they stole all the stuff he'd set on the bar. Going forward, I'll not only be wary of things that are too good to be true, but also things that are too stupid to be true.

Road Rage Experiment

We had to conduct a psychology experiment in high school as part of our final project. I was partnered with a woman named Gretchen, and we settled on a road rage experiment. We'd sit in a car at a red light, and then not go anywhere after it turned green. We'd wait until people honked before going through the green. We would time how long they waited before laying on the horn. My hypothesis was that people would be more impatient the later it got in the day. We eventually gave up the idea since we didn't want to be confined to a car all day, and we ended up gluing money to the floor and timing how long people tried to pry it off the floor. Our study added nothing to the scientific community, but it was pretty fun.